Creative Cleaning: The 'Less is More' Technique

I’ve recently become an addict of that TV show called “Hoarders.” It’s a series that documents people (supposedly, there’s over 2 million hoarders!) who collect trash in their homes and basically get lost in it—mentally and physically. The problem: an unhealthy attachment to ‘stuff.’ I won’t even mention the several episodes showing people who collect animals—cats and rats and...critters. And, not all of them are living. I’ll leave it at that.

Maybe it’s more than just mere coincidence that I’m suddenly inspired to clean my son’s room, as his floor has become more of an oversized cluttered shelf. But, good parenting is about teaching your kids to clean their own room, and although we may think they know exactly how to do this—they don’t. It’s why so many adults need professional organizers; they never learned it as a kid. They never learned that a messy room can often hold the dirty hand of a messy life. It's why shows like "Hoarders" exist.

Of course, many children simply don’t care that there’s stuff on their floor; in fact, that stuff suddenly takes on immediate importance the moment you try to throw it away. “Nooo,” your 6-year-old says. “I NEED that straw.” “Um, nooo, you don’t,” you answer. And that’s when you learn that the straw is needed because someday he plans to combine a whole bunch of them (which are all under his bed, but you don’t know that yet) and use it as a pretend sword. Stuffed animals—dusty and torn—become valued objects, even if they haven’t been touched in three years. A random party favor he received at a friend’s birthday two years ago is something he’s saving because, well, he hasn’t really figured out why yet, but don’t worry, he assures you, he will.

So, you face a dilemma: traumatize the kid by throwing out or ‘giving away’ the stuff while ignoring his protests, or keep it there and let it collect until one day you see a camera crew knocking on your door. What some parents don’t know, however, is that it can be a win-win situation, and here’s how. I call it the 'Less is More' technique.

It’s based off the premise that most children don’t see the ‘value’ in giving their stuff away. All they see is you taking away their possessions. Concepts like clutter, good hygiene, organization, order, cleanliness, etc. don’t mean a thing. Remember, a lot of kids embrace playing in the dirt—why should they care if a toy is on the floor or if they have way too much stuff they don’t use. They need to see the value in getting rid of their old toys, clothes and stuffed animals: hence, the beauty of the ‘Less is More' Technique.

Approach their room like it’s a consignment store. Your kid has the power to decide what he wants to ‘sell.’ The key concept here is that HE has the say-so; he’ll feel empowered. Here’s a dialogue to emphasize how this technique plays out.

Mom: Johnny, I see a lot of old stuff in your room…stuff you don’t use anymore.
Johnny: So.
Mom: How would you feel about receiving a new toy or stuffed animal? Heck, how would you like to pick out your desired toy at the store?
Johnny: YES!
Mom: Well, seems like your room won’t hold any more stuff.
Johnny: Huh?
Mom: And, you will need money to buy yourself a new toy, right?
Johnny: Oh. Yeah.
Mom: I have an idea about how to earn it. How about you look around your room and figure out what you can ‘sell’ back to me. Put stuff in a pile in front of me and then I’ll determine its value. You can then use that dollar value to buy one new toy.

At first, they’ll test it out. They’ll throw some random object in front of you to see what it’s worth. If that happens, give them a value like a $1. They’ll start to see how the system works. Pretty soon, they’ll start adding stuff to the pile, thereby increasing the value.

Conversation continues…

Johnny: Mom, should I give up this stuffed animal?
Mom: It’s up to you.
Johnny: Yeah, but how much will it be?
Mom: I can’t say. You’ll have to finish your pile and then I’ll give it a dollar value.

Then immediately go to the store, with the trash or Goodwill bag(s) in your trunk. Buy him the ONE toy. Let the child see the direct benefit of selling and receiving. It's about creating balance.

I’ve used this technique many times. My son used to be the one who would, dare I say it, hoard some of his toys and such. After he realized that he could add to the pile a bunch of stuff he didn’t use and see that he made $30 to buy one new cool toy, he got the point. “Mom, can we do that again?” he always asks me. “That was fun, and there’s a new thing I want to buy at the store.” One time, he gave up 42 objects for one big object, and thought it was grand.

The beauty of this creative approach is that children see firsthand the benefit of cleaning. Maybe they don’t see it the way we do, but they realize the value of it nonetheless. Best of all, they feel empowered. Change their perspective, and you’ll change their approach…with a few less crumbs on the floor.

'Hoaders' TV show

Creative Discipline - 'The Baseball Approach' for Boys

At the end of the day, some moms count up all the times they’ve had to nag or remind or discipline their children. Don’t hit your brother. Stop picking your nose. Stop talking back. Don’t fart at the table. Wash your hands. Pull your pants up. Don’t disobey. Listen the first time. Say ‘hi’ to the lady and look her in the face. Don’t use the toilet lid as your own basketball hoop backboard. Don’t, don’t, don’t, stop, stop, stop. Of course, we feel like we’re ‘helping’, but is telling them something over and over and over again really helping them? Is it any wonder why our children can have selective listening and we’re stuck feeling guilty at the end of the day. Time-out only works for so long. Reprimanding our kid in public looks bad. And to do this several times a day is, in a word, exhausting.

Here’s a creative discipline approach, one that I’ve used on my own kids and has been ‘stolen’ by other moms looking for a more fun yet effective way of promoting positive behavior without feeling like a brute. I’ve named it the “3 Strikes and You’re Out” discipline. Simply put: your child misbehaves three times and he’s ‘out’ on the bench the rest of the day. Boys—and girls too—understand this concept.

Let’s use an example. Your child unabashedly mouths off to you in the grocery store. You don’t want to send him to time-out and make him crouch in the frozen food aisle. You don’t want to squeeze his cheeks together around his adorable but naughty mouth. You don’t want to yell. You don’t want to humiliate him—or yourself. And you most certainly don’t want to ignore it. Imagine if you just said, “Strike One.” These two simple yet powerful words convey your discipline message succinctly and effectively. Believe me, if you did a half-adequate job of explaining the ‘3 Strikes and You’re Out’ approach, your son or daughter will get it. Same thing with Strike Two. If you have to give Strike Three, be prepared. This means your child is ‘out’…no TV, no snacks, no staying up late, no play dates, etc. The rest of the child’s day will be, well, miserable. And your child has to believe that it WILL happen, and then you have to make it so. In baseball, the player who strikes out doesn’t get to return to the field right away.

Creative parenting, though, is built on the foundation of empowering and equipping children with life skills. Positive feedback is crucial to this process. Therefore, while there are the ‘3 strikes and you’re out’, there is also the ‘runs’ and ‘points’ they can earn. The key word here is “earn” because disciplining is about teaching them to learn from their mistakes. And just like in baseball, children can earn home runs. If they strike out but then show exemplary behavior (or are profoundly sorry), you can give them an opportunity to earn a home run—and remove one of their strikes. (Because, let's face it...discplining your child is like disciplining yourself.) The child must run around all bases, metaphorically speaking. This means four chores or four acts of kindness until he’s home free. It’s how I got my son to happily clean the stairs. ;)

There’s also ‘strike savers', in that children can earn a strike saver by going beyond the expected—in a good way. You’ll be surprised how well they can forget their homework or what you just asked him to do, but remember exactly how many strike savers they have. I’m still trying to teach my younger son not to use up a strike saver when he has only one strike. Children can use their strike savers at anytime (so pay attention to how many each child has).

In this game of life, it’s important to discipline your child in a way that tames his will without breaking his spirit. And what better way to learn about being part of a family and playing with a positive attitude then threading in some baseball? The strikes revert back to zero the next day; afterall, it'll be a whole new ball game ;-)

Creating Parenting

The best advice my kids’ pediatrician gave me was to stop reading parenting magazines, to remember that the only required baby item was a car seat (and some Vaseline for a boy!), and to never—I repeat, never—Google a child’s sickness or symptoms. To rebel against this advice would mean absorbing too much information, too much stress, too much debt…and a penis rash.

Since then, I have managed to stay far away from any article that has parenting 101 tips. I’ve also decreased the number of times I have diagnosed my children based on the first three results that show up on Google. It’s largely been instinct and experience that have maneuvered me up and down this child-raising roller coaster. Scratch that. Actually, it’s really been my passion for creativity that has painted some of my parenting perspectives and techniques. And, they’re nothing you’d find in most parenting books or forums. Why? Because I like to go against the grain...to make parenting more, well, creative. Instead of having to decide which side to join in the mommy wars (breastfeed vs. bottle-feed, hands-on vs. hands-off discipline, homeschooling vs. public schooling, blah, blah, blah), let’s get creative. Let’s build our kids with vivid colors and shapes instead of breaking them down with the mundane. Let’s inspire them—they are, after all, blank canvases. Let’s paint them not the way we want to see them…but instead how they want to be seen. It is this craving to talk about creative parenting that inspires this blog, which I affectionately named the ‘Mom-o-logue’. Stay tuned for different paint brushes and colors.