Wednesday, April 6, 2011
My latest article was just published on FRONT COVER of magazine!
The article I wrote about giving kids a competitive edge in the job market made the Front Cover of the magazine. I couldn't help it; I had to take a screenshot. :-)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Give Your Child the Competitive Edge in the Job Market…via Internships
It can be an uncomfortable moment: Your son --- on the cusp of graduating from college --- shows you his resume and you discover the page is half blank. His college information consists of just three lines, and his name and contact details aren’t much longer. You know it’s probably passé to add his high school degree, and you feel that his experience of working part-time as a waiter isn’t apropos for the sales and marketing jobs he wants to pursue post school. Despite excellent Microsoft Word skills, you can only increase the font size and margins so much. It’s then when you realize that all the money spent on college, along with the stress of him getting his classes and good grades, are summed up in one-half to two-thirds of a sheet of paper.
So, what do you do? You console yourself that most college graduates must be in the same predicament. After all, how could they acquire the relevant professional career experience when they’ve been full-time students? The simple answer: via Internships. Unfortunately, by the time students learn about the value of internships, it’s too late; they’re graduating and looking for full-time jobs. It’s internships that will give college (and high school) students a competitive job employment edge. It’s internships that can inspire and empower your child with job skills. And, it’s internships that can guarantee that his or her resume is at least one page.
Having professionally written dozens of resumes and cover letters for clients, I have seen firsthand how beneficial internships are…and how little is generally known about them. Some students believe that because they have a degree from a highly accredited University that this automatically guarantees them a job. There’s that sense of entitlement. The problem is that thousands of college graduates looking for a job in a bad economy do not entitle anybody to anything. I’ve been invited to speak at high schools and educate students about the importance of encouraging children to assertively seek out opportunities that will differentiate them from their classmates, and I am always amazed by how excited they become.
What are internships?
Think of an internship as a trial job for a short period of time. What differentiates this internship job from normal jobs is that the student often 1) ideally works in his or her desired career industry (i.e. advertising, software), 2) earns college credit or, depending on the field, an hourly wage, and 3) has a predefined start and end date (i.e. a semester, or three to six months).
How early should you begin an internship?
Most students will pursue an internship during their last year of college; however, I would argue that they should start much earlier---and do more than one. In fact, why do they have to wait for college? I encourage high school juniors and seniors to begin developing their job portfolio as early as possible. While it’s true that teenagers usually won’t be hired by companies as interns, that doesn’t mean they can’t volunteer to complete projects for professionals. For example, if your teenager has expressed interest in pursuing website development or media arts (and has started learning the applicable technology!), why not have him offer to create a web page or a logo for a friend or professional that you know? Your child might pleasantly surprise you. If anything, doing these projects gives students something to talk about during college interviews. It’s a sample they can add to a portfolio. I am frequently asked to help high school seniors write their college application letters and scholarship essays. The essay questions do not ask students to list their grades or the classes they took. Many of them ask instead about students’ experiences and goals. Writing about past projects provides great content.
Why do companies hire interns?
There are many reasons why a company would want to hire interns -- and, contrary to what some people might think, it’s not about free or cheap labor. Companies often use interns as an easy way to ‘preview’ prospective employees. They can quickly see if a person will ‘fit’ in their company, without having to worry about benefit plans, paid vacation, etc. Additionally, many companies enjoy the mentoring aspect of working with interns; in fact, you will often find there is a designated Intern Supervisor at the company. One of the most compelling reasons for seeking interns is that ‘real-life’ hasn’t, well, jaded them yet. College students are generally excited to graduate and start making money. They are ‘hungry’ for experience that will get them that dream job; they’re driven, they’re passionate, and they’re eager to please. They can bring fresh ideas and perspectives as well as knowledge about the latest technologies.
What kinds of companies hire interns?
You’d be surprised how many high-profile and Fortune 500 companies are seeking interns. In fact, many high-coveted jobs are available only to interns. One of my friends, for example, spent months trying to find a job in the entertainment industry. She recently decided to participate in the MBA program at a local University and within one week landed an internship --- a PAID internship --- as a media researcher for a top entertainment sports company. They have offered her a full-time position when she graduates.
How do I find an internship?
Most colleges will have a type of internship program or career center. Some companies will contact that college’s internship advisor and notify him/her of local internship positions. You can also refer to sites, such as http://www.internjobs.com/ and http://www.indeed.com, and find internships in all different industries.
What are all the benefits of internships?
When students participate in internships, not only will they be able to create a powerful resume, they will also have a better idea as to what they want to do for their career --- one that fully embodies their academic or personal interests. Working for these companies gives them professional references and network contacts. They’ll also have relevant things to talk about at job interviews. In past jobs, I had the opportunity to oversee and mentor to groups of interns, and you almost literally see that ‘light bulb’ click on in their head when they discover the direct correlation between what they’re learning in school with what they’re doing on the job. It’s empowering for them, and it gives them confidence.
It’s surprising to me how I went through high school and college and was never once told about internships. When I was a freshman in my undergraduate program, my boyfriend (who later became my husband) opened my eyes to the internship world. He had had a lengthy one in college and landed one of the top-paying jobs in his industry. He would tell you in a heartbeat that it was due mostly to his internship experience. Throughout my college years, I had five internships, in different fields. One internship advisor wrote my recommendation letter for graduate school. Three of my internships gave me the hands-on experience that I still draw from today.
There’s that old saying that if you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life. Think of internships as a convenient time for your child to experiment and discover what career he would truly love. Helping to equip him with the tools early on in his professional journey will not only prepare him for the challenges and the adventure, but also give him the opportunity.
So, what do you do? You console yourself that most college graduates must be in the same predicament. After all, how could they acquire the relevant professional career experience when they’ve been full-time students? The simple answer: via Internships. Unfortunately, by the time students learn about the value of internships, it’s too late; they’re graduating and looking for full-time jobs. It’s internships that will give college (and high school) students a competitive job employment edge. It’s internships that can inspire and empower your child with job skills. And, it’s internships that can guarantee that his or her resume is at least one page.
Having professionally written dozens of resumes and cover letters for clients, I have seen firsthand how beneficial internships are…and how little is generally known about them. Some students believe that because they have a degree from a highly accredited University that this automatically guarantees them a job. There’s that sense of entitlement. The problem is that thousands of college graduates looking for a job in a bad economy do not entitle anybody to anything. I’ve been invited to speak at high schools and educate students about the importance of encouraging children to assertively seek out opportunities that will differentiate them from their classmates, and I am always amazed by how excited they become.
What are internships?
Think of an internship as a trial job for a short period of time. What differentiates this internship job from normal jobs is that the student often 1) ideally works in his or her desired career industry (i.e. advertising, software), 2) earns college credit or, depending on the field, an hourly wage, and 3) has a predefined start and end date (i.e. a semester, or three to six months).
How early should you begin an internship?
Most students will pursue an internship during their last year of college; however, I would argue that they should start much earlier---and do more than one. In fact, why do they have to wait for college? I encourage high school juniors and seniors to begin developing their job portfolio as early as possible. While it’s true that teenagers usually won’t be hired by companies as interns, that doesn’t mean they can’t volunteer to complete projects for professionals. For example, if your teenager has expressed interest in pursuing website development or media arts (and has started learning the applicable technology!), why not have him offer to create a web page or a logo for a friend or professional that you know? Your child might pleasantly surprise you. If anything, doing these projects gives students something to talk about during college interviews. It’s a sample they can add to a portfolio. I am frequently asked to help high school seniors write their college application letters and scholarship essays. The essay questions do not ask students to list their grades or the classes they took. Many of them ask instead about students’ experiences and goals. Writing about past projects provides great content.
Why do companies hire interns?
There are many reasons why a company would want to hire interns -- and, contrary to what some people might think, it’s not about free or cheap labor. Companies often use interns as an easy way to ‘preview’ prospective employees. They can quickly see if a person will ‘fit’ in their company, without having to worry about benefit plans, paid vacation, etc. Additionally, many companies enjoy the mentoring aspect of working with interns; in fact, you will often find there is a designated Intern Supervisor at the company. One of the most compelling reasons for seeking interns is that ‘real-life’ hasn’t, well, jaded them yet. College students are generally excited to graduate and start making money. They are ‘hungry’ for experience that will get them that dream job; they’re driven, they’re passionate, and they’re eager to please. They can bring fresh ideas and perspectives as well as knowledge about the latest technologies.
What kinds of companies hire interns?
You’d be surprised how many high-profile and Fortune 500 companies are seeking interns. In fact, many high-coveted jobs are available only to interns. One of my friends, for example, spent months trying to find a job in the entertainment industry. She recently decided to participate in the MBA program at a local University and within one week landed an internship --- a PAID internship --- as a media researcher for a top entertainment sports company. They have offered her a full-time position when she graduates.
How do I find an internship?
Most colleges will have a type of internship program or career center. Some companies will contact that college’s internship advisor and notify him/her of local internship positions. You can also refer to sites, such as http://www.internjobs.com/ and http://www.indeed.com, and find internships in all different industries.
What are all the benefits of internships?
When students participate in internships, not only will they be able to create a powerful resume, they will also have a better idea as to what they want to do for their career --- one that fully embodies their academic or personal interests. Working for these companies gives them professional references and network contacts. They’ll also have relevant things to talk about at job interviews. In past jobs, I had the opportunity to oversee and mentor to groups of interns, and you almost literally see that ‘light bulb’ click on in their head when they discover the direct correlation between what they’re learning in school with what they’re doing on the job. It’s empowering for them, and it gives them confidence.
It’s surprising to me how I went through high school and college and was never once told about internships. When I was a freshman in my undergraduate program, my boyfriend (who later became my husband) opened my eyes to the internship world. He had had a lengthy one in college and landed one of the top-paying jobs in his industry. He would tell you in a heartbeat that it was due mostly to his internship experience. Throughout my college years, I had five internships, in different fields. One internship advisor wrote my recommendation letter for graduate school. Three of my internships gave me the hands-on experience that I still draw from today.
There’s that old saying that if you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life. Think of internships as a convenient time for your child to experiment and discover what career he would truly love. Helping to equip him with the tools early on in his professional journey will not only prepare him for the challenges and the adventure, but also give him the opportunity.
Monday, March 28, 2011
My Interview with 'Kimmie Gibbler' from "Full House" TV family sitcom
Some people might remember the neon tights. Some might cringe at the thought of stinky feet. Others will recall the image of D.J. Tanner’s cheerful best friend. Whatever the image, the name ‘Kimmy Gibbler’ will inspire memories of the hit family sitcom, Full House, which chronicled the daily life happenings of a widowed father raising his three young daughters. As many times as she appeared in that full house (from 1987 to 1995), Kimmy might as well have been the fourth daughter. In real life, however, she was known as Andrea Barber. And now, fifteen years later, far away from the spotlight and cameras, Andrea has a daughter (and son) of her own. I was able to catch up with her about life as a mom.It’s a cloudy Friday morning, and Andrea Barber is sitting on my couch. Wearing sweatpants and a pony-tail, she’s grateful for the Starbucks latte I hand her. It’s only 9 am, but as busy moms with children in elementary school, our day started hours earlier. Her younger daughter, a bright and precocious 3-year-old Felicity, is happily sitting in the adjacent room, watching Toy Story.
Now 34 years old, Andrea knew from the time she was young that she wanted to be a mom. “I wanted to re-experience childhood through my kids’ eyes. It was almost like I was reliving my childhood--which was kind of abnormal because I was working. But this time, I can experience a normal childhood through them.”
Living with her husband, Jeremy Rytky, in Southern California, she is currently a stay-at-home mom of two children: a son Tate (born April 2004) and a daughter Felicity (born April 2007). You can definitely see Andrea in both of them.
*Photo credit: Noa Green Photography. Ask her to describe her typical day, and she’ll tell you that she thought she’d have more free time when her kids started school but then quickly discovered the contrary. “Now that my son is in 1st grade and my daughter attends preschool part-time, I think it’s more work than when they were both home with me full-time. Like most moms, I’m driving everywhere. I might as well put a little Taxi sign on the top of my car. I make lunches, I drop off snacks, I volunteer in the classroom, and oh, the whole homework thing…”
Her perfect day would be to take her time waking up and relaxing with her family in the morning. They’d eat a nice breakfast, go to a discovery type of place, eat lunch at the park, and then just relax. “I’m a very low-key type of person,” she says. “I try not to over-schedule myself.”
I ask her if she ever has moments when she’s tempted to sample the professional world again. “I definitely have those moments, but I would never go back to acting--that was more of a childhood hobby for me; it was like my after-school sport. It was fun, and I had a great experience with it, but it’s not something I’d like to sample again as an adult. But as a stay-at-home mom, I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to get dressed up in heals more than once every few months and chat with adults all day. I have to say, though, it was hard to make that decision to leave the professional world. But, there’ll be time for that again. My kids are still really young, and I have the rest of my life for that. Right now, I love being home with my children; I wouldn’t change a thing for the world. They’ll only be little for such a short time, and I want to soak it up. I mean, there are times when I want to tear my hair out, but I still love it.”
Andrea laughs when I tell her that Wikipedia mentions there is a rumor that she died of anorexia after the Full House finale. “I'm still alive and I've never been anorexic. I was just a gangly teenager who eventually grew into her skin. I’ll read my Twitter comments and I’ll reply to them, and then some will respond back with ‘Oh good! Kimmie Gibbler is alive!’ Actually, there was an event on Yelp.com where somebody in Chicago threw some type of ‘Kimmy Gibbler Memorial’ beer event. A person replied on Yelp that since I was alive it would really have to be a ‘Kimmy Gibbler No Longer A Memorial’ event. Somebody tweeted me about it, and so I started commenting on Yelp. When they confirmed I was alive, they asked me to do a call-in to the event. So, I did. It was the coolest thing, with them first wanting to memorialize my death and then changing it to celebrate the fact I was alive. And get this: They want to make it an annual event. I’ll have to fly in next time.”
Currently, Wikipedia notes that people might have thought Andrea died because she quit acting. Andrea explains that although she did retire from acting, she is, obviously, very much alive. Full House ended during her first year of college. It seemed to her the most logical thing to retire from acting, live on campus, and experience college full time. When she graduated in English from Whittier College, Andrea pursued her career in international education.
Although she did attend a couple of acting auditions after graduation, she realized her heart just wasn’t in it. “Acting was a really cool childhood hobby, and I got to experience amazing things. But just like kids play soccer growing up, many don’t turn into professional soccer players. I wanted a different career as an adult. I mean, I’d never say ‘never.’ If there was a Full House reunion, I’d definitely go to it. But, acting isn’t my passion anymore.”
*Photo credit: Noa Green Photography
What's her biggest passion now? “Besides my kids and trying to get eight hours of sleep, I love traveling. Between college graduation and having my first baby, I was traveling everywhere. I studied abroad in Denmark and got my Master’s degree in England, and I found that international education truly made me come alive. Something sparked inside of me. I helped students have that same ‘coming of age’ experience outside of the U.S. borders and learn about different cultures. I left that profession to stay home with my kids, but if and when I go back to work, that’s the avenue I’d pursue. Right now, my life is busy enough.”
If producers created one TV episode of her life right now, what would she suggest they title it? She thinks for a moment. “I’d want to do a play on words. Instead of Full House, it would be Full Heart. I know that sounds cheesy, but that’s what I’d want.” And the actress Andrea would want to play her character on the show? “I’d love for it to be Keri Russell. I mean, hello, my daughter’s name is Felicity. Keri and I don’t look alike, but I just love her. She’s such a great actress and a mother, I think.”
“Mooooommmmmy?!!!”
The voice belongs to Felicity, confirming that her mom is still nearby. Seconds later, a little ‘mini-Andrea’ has climbed up next to her mom. Andrea is delighted. “Hey Sugar.” A couple of minutes later, thrilled that her mom has helped her figure out the game on her Leapster, Felicity happily returns to the family room.
*Felicity. Photo credit: Noa Green Photography.
I have to ask. “Were you tempted even just a little bit to name your daughter ‘Kimmy’?” “Nooooooo. Oh no!! Never in a million years. I never even wanted a license plate frame that had anything to do with Kimmy Gibbler. She was a great character and had tons of laughs and witty lines, but I’m ready to bury that.” She laughs. “Can you believe that I still get questions like, ‘Do your feet really stink?’ And, I’m like, 1) the show went off the air 15 years ago and 2) no, my feet don’t stink. I was once in a parade riding in a convertible, and people yelled out, ‘Kimmy, don’t take your shoes off!’ So, a big fat NO to that question. Kimmy Gibbler and the show have definitely ended.” She laughs again.
But, the re-runs still live on. In fact, since multiple channels are airing the old Full House episodes, a new generation is becoming familiar with the Tanner family…and with Kimmy / Andrea. Her children, however, have not yet seen the show. “They’re still a little young for it,” she explains. “They’re really into cartoons at the moment, especially Lego ones, like The Adventures of Clutch Powers.”
Andrea and I then spend the next couple of minutes reminiscing about the shows we loved as a kid: Sesame Street, Mister Rodgers’ Neighborhood, and Romper Room. “Even now as an adult, I enjoy watching cartoons with my kids,” she adds. “I love shows like Dora and Blues Clues.”
She also loves spending time with her husband. They first met in Southern California about 11 years ago when he was stationed as a Marine at Camp Pendleton. It was a Friday night when Andrea and two girl friends were hanging out in the Irvine Spectrum and randomly (or serendipitously!) bumped into Jeremy and his two guy friends. There was an instant connection, and each paired off, with Andrea and Jeremy together. Out of the three couples who started dating after that night, two of them eventually got married and had kids. “The other couple who married ended up having triplets!” Andrea notes. “Apparently, that was a very successful Friday date night.”
It was Jeremy’s clean-cut haircut that initially caught Andrea’s attention. “It was probably a 0 with the shaver. He just had that military look. We went country line dancing soon after that, and after all these years…here we are.”You should see Andrea’s facial expression when I ask her which of the three men on the Full House show would most closely resemble her husband. “Ew. None of the above. I can’t even go there; I can’t even think of those men in that way.” She laughs. “Danny is too clean. Joey is too much of a comedian, joking around with kid voices. Jessie is too motorcycle cool. But, my husband would have been a great guest star on the show.”
Enter Andrea’s daughter again, and I decide to include her in the interview. She’s a bit shy at first, but always smiling. It’s the Kimmy smile. And, it’s adorable. Apparently my offer of letting her pick something from the ‘fun box’ works because Felicity starts to open up. “Sometimes I play restaurant with my brother and then sometimes I play play-doh with Mommy and cover her hand with it.” What does she love most about her mom? It’s a no-brainer. “Sometimes she gives me candy after dinner.” It doesn’t surprise me when Felicity picks out the Fun Dip candy from my jar.
“What surprises you most about raising kids?” I ask Andrea. “By the time you get the hang of one challenge, it’s over and you’re already onto the next one. It’s always ever-changing. All the things I mastered (changing diapers, helping them walk, etc.) are no longer relevant. There’s always something new to learn. The challenge as a parent is to maintain patience through it all.”
If ever she needs parenting advice and has to choose between a parenting magazine, a licensed expert, or Google, Andrea admits that she often wants parenting advice and has become a ‘Google-whore’.
But, what if she was able to give parenting advice to Danny Tanner (the father character on Full House)? “Okay, I have to be honest that I have some issues with how he parented his youngest daughter, Michelle,” Andrea confesses. “I mean, I know she was the star of the show, but the scripts made sure that her character was treated so differently than the other two daughters. She was clearly the favorite and was totally babied. For example, in one of the episodes, the older two girls wanted to go to a teenage concert but when Danny found out that little Michelle wanted to go, he was like, ‘Okay, girls...you need to give your ticket to Michelle.’ Who lets their first grader go to a concert??!? As a parent of two kids, I’ve learned that you shouldn’t favor one kid over the other.”
And, Andrea doesn’t play favorites. She makes sure to spend one-on-one time with her son and daughter. “Felicity and I love to read the Fancy Nancy books together. My son Tate loves the Magic Tree House books, and we have our special moments together.
But both of them love going to LEGOLAND, so we go as a family. In fact, we went there for the Halloween Costume event, and Tate’s costume (the army soldier from Toy Story) won first place! The prize was four annual passes to LEGOLAND! That was great news.”
With regards to news, I ask her if she was featured next month on the front page of a magazine, what she’d want the headline to say. She smiles and answers:Kimmy Gibbler / Andrea Barber... I’m Still Alive.
# # #
Meet Andrea, and you’ll immediately see that she still has that sweet and bubbly personality that her Kimmy character had on the show back in the day. Talk to her for a few minutes, and you’ll discover that Andrea is humble, appreciative, witty, and so very passionate about making sure to enjoy even the little moments of motherhood.
And as for those Kimmy Gibbler tights… Well, her twitter bio sums it up best: “The neon tights are officially retired, people.”
*Photo Credit: Noa Green Photography
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Top Ten 'Creative Practicing' Tips for Kids
‘Creative Practicing’ improves technique but also builds your child’s motivation and self-esteem
“I don’t want to practice!” This daily statement can be like acrylic fingernails on a long chalkboard. The add-on sentence “Practicing is boring” is just as ugly to the point that you almost prefer to hear the nails instead of the whine. And when kids perpetually conclude their little paragraph with an “I want to quit!”…you almost want them to do just that--for you’re tired of the nagging. The reprimanding. The aggressive sigh your kid makes moments before picking up the musical instrument or whatever needs to be practiced. The teacher’s expression when you tell her your kid hasn’t practiced. And then what do you do? Even the most strong-willed parents can’t endure years of ‘motivating’ their child to practice, and so they pull him or her out. “My child won’t practice,” they confess. “I guess that music (or sport or hobby) isn’t her thing.” But that’s just it: It CAN be her thing…she just doesn’t know it yet. Why? Because she has to explore and discover it. She has to learn HOW to practice independently and how to measure results. But most importantly, she has to be inspired. Because if she becomes passionate about what she is learning, she will never have to be forced to practice. First, though, to truly reap the benefits of being skillful at something, she has to become good at it, and you will have to guide her in this. Unfortunately, it takes time. It also involves practicing---actually, ‘creative practicing’. There’s a difference.
Traditional Practicing v. Creative Practicing
In my experience as a musician and a teacher, the traditional perspective and approach to practicing are grounded in rules, routine and rigidity. Theory, hand placement, and performance are paramount. That's important, of course! (I’m speaking mostly about playing musical instruments, for I have been a music teacher for almost 20 years.) However, too much focus on technique, form and posture--in the very beginning--can stifle a child, especially a young one, or even a teenager. When my son was four years old (before I started teaching him), his piano teacher made him practice music theory flash cards and memorize terms and note placement. No four-year-old should have to memorize flash cards. They don’t even know why they’re learning it. Ask them what type of music they like, and their first response might be “ummm.” It’s why I especially love when I teach children under the age of six. On the first day, I teach the little boys how to play the first few notes of the “Star Wars” theme song, and they’re hooked. The little girls learn the first few notes of “Part of Your World,” and music is suddenly their passion. Passion begets curiosity begets longevity. I’ve heard the parents of my students tell me they wish they would have stuck with piano or guitar or violin but that they hated practicing. It wasn’t the practicing they hated, however; it was what they had to practice and the negative reinforcement that made them quit.
‘Creative Practicing’ is built on the assumptions that most kids 1) don’t know ‘HOW’ to practice successfully, 2) don’t really value the benefits of practicing until they have actually experienced and recognized them, 3) need to use their imagination and creativity in whatever musical activity they pursue, and 4) need to be inspired.
How-To Tips
The following are just simple how-to steps to help you change your child’s perspective about practicing. Change the perspective, and you change the approach. Here’s some creative ways to do that.
1. Change how your child views practicing. One very simple way is to not refer to it as ‘practice.’ With young kids, for example, you could call it ‘music play.’ Of course this ‘play’ is more of the structured type of play, but the word “play” is so much more positive and fun to a little child than “practice.” Promote this ‘music play’ as an opportunity or a privilege, instead of a chore. Part of changing your child’s view is essentially changing your own.
2. Teach your child HOW to practice. Depending on the teacher, this may be told instead of taught. Many teachers have a regimented way they want the child to practice. Some kids thrive on that; others won’t. If they don’t, then get creative. One way to do that is to create a ‘Piano Plan’ or ‘Guitar Plan’, etc. For example, write five steps and then at the bottom draw some empty boxes. “Step One: Play ‘Yankee Doodle’ 3 times. Step Two: Play the right hand of ‘Jingle Bells’ 2 times and then left hand 2 times.” When the child gets to the fifth step, he may draw a picture (or put a sticker) in one of the boxes. The next time he completes all five steps, he gets to fill in another box. When all boxes are completed at the end of the week he receives a treat or a positive reinforcement.
3. Empower your child with a sense of independence. I have some students create their own practicing plan, but then they have to stick to it. For the young ones, I let them ‘help’ me create a piano plan. For example, they get to tell me how many times they’ll play a song. This holds them accountable as well as empowers them. In fact, some of my students commit to more than what I would have assigned. One ambitious seven-year-old boy told me he was going to practice his song 60 times. And, he did!!! There were stickers covering the entire page.
4. Provide incentives and rewards. Note that rewards are different than bribes. A bribe tells them that if they do this, then you’ll give them that. A reward is acknowledging what they’ve already done. For example, maybe each time they practice, they get to put a dime in the music jar. When the jar is filled, they may use that money to buy a new music book.
5. Give them goals. Kids are not interested in long-term goals. Our beloved promise that “one day you’ll appreciate this” does nothing for them. Create goals: ones that appeal to your child. Inspire them. Not every kid craves recitals. But, he might be excited at the idea of you inviting the grandparents over for a performance in a month from now. Or, maybe there is a school talent show in a few months. I’ve found that the older kids like to (or are required to) do community service hours. Playing piano in a senior center is always a nice opportunity to use one’s skills for the good of society. Schedule the date and tell your teenager she is accountable to that. She won’t want to disappoint an entire room of senior citizens.
6. Appeal to your child’s creativity. Never believe anybody who tells you that your child is too young to compose music. Of course, they might be too young to write down the notes, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that they discover the beauty in creating music--even if it’s just playing a new little tune they made up. There’s many creative things you can do with that. You can record it on CD or DVD and give it to friends as a gift. Last Christmas, I recorded songs for each of my students, and created personalized ‘albums.’ All of them were so inspired to finish their songs so they could add them to the CD. Practicing the songs became a natural habit. My sons gave their teachers their piano albums, and we even made album covers. Or, if your child is older, he or she can write down the original song. Have him or her title it, sign it, frame it, and then give it as a gift. Your children may not be rehearsing a Beethoven piece for an upcoming competition, but they are doing something just as profound: They are discovering (and creating!) music.
7. Let your child teach you or somebody else. I was classically trained in music for nine years, but it wasn’t until I started teaching it as a teenager that I saw music from a completely different perspective! Many children love teaching other children as well as their parents. It empowers them. My older son occasionally teaches my younger son something, and if all goes well, I’ll ‘pay’ him. Heck, I’ll even pay the younger one a tiny something for good listening and follow-through. There are lessons (and benefits!) in teaching others that can’t be taught by somebody else. One of my eight-year-old students was so proud to share that she taught her four-year-old brother how to play a song. This is not traditional practicing, but it is creative practicing. And through it all, the child is building self-esteem.
8. Be creatively consistent. Just because the practicing approach is creative, that doesn’t mean that the child can choose when he or she wants to practice. I’m betting any child who gets to choose between practicing something or playing a video game will choose the latter. Enforce a consistent schedule, but let him or her be a part of creating that schedule. For example, if your child needs to practice five times a week, have him plan out the five days ahead of time and then hold him accountable to it. Make it part of their normal routine. I found that my kids like to practice right before bed, so I made it part of their bedtime routine. They eat dinner, bathe, put their PJs on, and then practice piano. After that is reading and lights out. Some kids are more productive right after school. Whatever is your child’s optimal practicing time, make it part of their routine. Soon, it will be a natural habit…just like brushing teeth.
9. Show them their progress. Don’t wait until a recital for them to feel validated at all their hard work. They need to SEE the results of their practicing firsthand. One creative way to do this is to videotape them playing a song. Then have them practice it for two weeks. Videotape them again, and then show both video files. There’s a reason why many of us love watching weight-loss shows. The ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures are powerful, aren’t they?
10. Enjoy them. As parents, we’re really good at ‘helping’ our kids perform better. We point out what they need to work on and tell them when they have made an ‘oopsy’ when they’ve messed up. But, despite our best intentions this ‘feedback’ is often interpreted by the child as criticism. Take the time to relax on the couch and just quietly listen to your child. Appreciate him and encourage him. Let the teacher provide the ‘helpful’ feedback.
Bottom line: You know your children best and what makes them tick. You know what they value and what motivates them. Use that to your advantage. Thread that deeply into the art of practicing. Don’t be afraid to go against the traditional or the standard. Customize a practicing plan to your child that builds him up and inspires him. Remember: At some point, the ‘honeymoon’ period will most likely end with any instrument, any sport, any hobby. But that’s normal. Learning music won’t always be fun. It’s during those moments when they’re feeling ‘low’ that you can switch it up a bit and be creative. Have a little fun. There are ups and downs to everything we do. We don’t like our job every day, but we learn how to deal with it. It’s the same when it comes practicing. Just like music has different notes and rhythm, so will practicing. The point is to help your child discover his own melody.
“I don’t want to practice!” This daily statement can be like acrylic fingernails on a long chalkboard. The add-on sentence “Practicing is boring” is just as ugly to the point that you almost prefer to hear the nails instead of the whine. And when kids perpetually conclude their little paragraph with an “I want to quit!”…you almost want them to do just that--for you’re tired of the nagging. The reprimanding. The aggressive sigh your kid makes moments before picking up the musical instrument or whatever needs to be practiced. The teacher’s expression when you tell her your kid hasn’t practiced. And then what do you do? Even the most strong-willed parents can’t endure years of ‘motivating’ their child to practice, and so they pull him or her out. “My child won’t practice,” they confess. “I guess that music (or sport or hobby) isn’t her thing.” But that’s just it: It CAN be her thing…she just doesn’t know it yet. Why? Because she has to explore and discover it. She has to learn HOW to practice independently and how to measure results. But most importantly, she has to be inspired. Because if she becomes passionate about what she is learning, she will never have to be forced to practice. First, though, to truly reap the benefits of being skillful at something, she has to become good at it, and you will have to guide her in this. Unfortunately, it takes time. It also involves practicing---actually, ‘creative practicing’. There’s a difference.
Traditional Practicing v. Creative Practicing
In my experience as a musician and a teacher, the traditional perspective and approach to practicing are grounded in rules, routine and rigidity. Theory, hand placement, and performance are paramount. That's important, of course! (I’m speaking mostly about playing musical instruments, for I have been a music teacher for almost 20 years.) However, too much focus on technique, form and posture--in the very beginning--can stifle a child, especially a young one, or even a teenager. When my son was four years old (before I started teaching him), his piano teacher made him practice music theory flash cards and memorize terms and note placement. No four-year-old should have to memorize flash cards. They don’t even know why they’re learning it. Ask them what type of music they like, and their first response might be “ummm.” It’s why I especially love when I teach children under the age of six. On the first day, I teach the little boys how to play the first few notes of the “Star Wars” theme song, and they’re hooked. The little girls learn the first few notes of “Part of Your World,” and music is suddenly their passion. Passion begets curiosity begets longevity. I’ve heard the parents of my students tell me they wish they would have stuck with piano or guitar or violin but that they hated practicing. It wasn’t the practicing they hated, however; it was what they had to practice and the negative reinforcement that made them quit.
‘Creative Practicing’ is built on the assumptions that most kids 1) don’t know ‘HOW’ to practice successfully, 2) don’t really value the benefits of practicing until they have actually experienced and recognized them, 3) need to use their imagination and creativity in whatever musical activity they pursue, and 4) need to be inspired.
How-To Tips
The following are just simple how-to steps to help you change your child’s perspective about practicing. Change the perspective, and you change the approach. Here’s some creative ways to do that.
1. Change how your child views practicing. One very simple way is to not refer to it as ‘practice.’ With young kids, for example, you could call it ‘music play.’ Of course this ‘play’ is more of the structured type of play, but the word “play” is so much more positive and fun to a little child than “practice.” Promote this ‘music play’ as an opportunity or a privilege, instead of a chore. Part of changing your child’s view is essentially changing your own.
2. Teach your child HOW to practice. Depending on the teacher, this may be told instead of taught. Many teachers have a regimented way they want the child to practice. Some kids thrive on that; others won’t. If they don’t, then get creative. One way to do that is to create a ‘Piano Plan’ or ‘Guitar Plan’, etc. For example, write five steps and then at the bottom draw some empty boxes. “Step One: Play ‘Yankee Doodle’ 3 times. Step Two: Play the right hand of ‘Jingle Bells’ 2 times and then left hand 2 times.” When the child gets to the fifth step, he may draw a picture (or put a sticker) in one of the boxes. The next time he completes all five steps, he gets to fill in another box. When all boxes are completed at the end of the week he receives a treat or a positive reinforcement.
3. Empower your child with a sense of independence. I have some students create their own practicing plan, but then they have to stick to it. For the young ones, I let them ‘help’ me create a piano plan. For example, they get to tell me how many times they’ll play a song. This holds them accountable as well as empowers them. In fact, some of my students commit to more than what I would have assigned. One ambitious seven-year-old boy told me he was going to practice his song 60 times. And, he did!!! There were stickers covering the entire page.
4. Provide incentives and rewards. Note that rewards are different than bribes. A bribe tells them that if they do this, then you’ll give them that. A reward is acknowledging what they’ve already done. For example, maybe each time they practice, they get to put a dime in the music jar. When the jar is filled, they may use that money to buy a new music book.
5. Give them goals. Kids are not interested in long-term goals. Our beloved promise that “one day you’ll appreciate this” does nothing for them. Create goals: ones that appeal to your child. Inspire them. Not every kid craves recitals. But, he might be excited at the idea of you inviting the grandparents over for a performance in a month from now. Or, maybe there is a school talent show in a few months. I’ve found that the older kids like to (or are required to) do community service hours. Playing piano in a senior center is always a nice opportunity to use one’s skills for the good of society. Schedule the date and tell your teenager she is accountable to that. She won’t want to disappoint an entire room of senior citizens.
6. Appeal to your child’s creativity. Never believe anybody who tells you that your child is too young to compose music. Of course, they might be too young to write down the notes, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that they discover the beauty in creating music--even if it’s just playing a new little tune they made up. There’s many creative things you can do with that. You can record it on CD or DVD and give it to friends as a gift. Last Christmas, I recorded songs for each of my students, and created personalized ‘albums.’ All of them were so inspired to finish their songs so they could add them to the CD. Practicing the songs became a natural habit. My sons gave their teachers their piano albums, and we even made album covers. Or, if your child is older, he or she can write down the original song. Have him or her title it, sign it, frame it, and then give it as a gift. Your children may not be rehearsing a Beethoven piece for an upcoming competition, but they are doing something just as profound: They are discovering (and creating!) music.
7. Let your child teach you or somebody else. I was classically trained in music for nine years, but it wasn’t until I started teaching it as a teenager that I saw music from a completely different perspective! Many children love teaching other children as well as their parents. It empowers them. My older son occasionally teaches my younger son something, and if all goes well, I’ll ‘pay’ him. Heck, I’ll even pay the younger one a tiny something for good listening and follow-through. There are lessons (and benefits!) in teaching others that can’t be taught by somebody else. One of my eight-year-old students was so proud to share that she taught her four-year-old brother how to play a song. This is not traditional practicing, but it is creative practicing. And through it all, the child is building self-esteem.
8. Be creatively consistent. Just because the practicing approach is creative, that doesn’t mean that the child can choose when he or she wants to practice. I’m betting any child who gets to choose between practicing something or playing a video game will choose the latter. Enforce a consistent schedule, but let him or her be a part of creating that schedule. For example, if your child needs to practice five times a week, have him plan out the five days ahead of time and then hold him accountable to it. Make it part of their normal routine. I found that my kids like to practice right before bed, so I made it part of their bedtime routine. They eat dinner, bathe, put their PJs on, and then practice piano. After that is reading and lights out. Some kids are more productive right after school. Whatever is your child’s optimal practicing time, make it part of their routine. Soon, it will be a natural habit…just like brushing teeth.
9. Show them their progress. Don’t wait until a recital for them to feel validated at all their hard work. They need to SEE the results of their practicing firsthand. One creative way to do this is to videotape them playing a song. Then have them practice it for two weeks. Videotape them again, and then show both video files. There’s a reason why many of us love watching weight-loss shows. The ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures are powerful, aren’t they?
10. Enjoy them. As parents, we’re really good at ‘helping’ our kids perform better. We point out what they need to work on and tell them when they have made an ‘oopsy’ when they’ve messed up. But, despite our best intentions this ‘feedback’ is often interpreted by the child as criticism. Take the time to relax on the couch and just quietly listen to your child. Appreciate him and encourage him. Let the teacher provide the ‘helpful’ feedback.
Bottom line: You know your children best and what makes them tick. You know what they value and what motivates them. Use that to your advantage. Thread that deeply into the art of practicing. Don’t be afraid to go against the traditional or the standard. Customize a practicing plan to your child that builds him up and inspires him. Remember: At some point, the ‘honeymoon’ period will most likely end with any instrument, any sport, any hobby. But that’s normal. Learning music won’t always be fun. It’s during those moments when they’re feeling ‘low’ that you can switch it up a bit and be creative. Have a little fun. There are ups and downs to everything we do. We don’t like our job every day, but we learn how to deal with it. It’s the same when it comes practicing. Just like music has different notes and rhythm, so will practicing. The point is to help your child discover his own melody.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My Mom-o-logue will now be featured on Modern Mom online magazine!
This blog will now be one of the featured blogs on Modern Mom online magazine, owned by Brooke Burke! So excited :)
http://www.modernmom.com/blogs/clinder
http://www.modernmom.com/blogs/clinder
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Creative Cleaning: The 'Less is More' Technique
I’ve recently become an addict of that TV show called “Hoarders.” It’s a series that documents people (supposedly, there’s over 2 million hoarders!) who collect trash in their homes and basically get lost in it—mentally and physically. The problem: an unhealthy attachment to ‘stuff.’ I won’t even mention the several episodes showing people who collect animals—cats and rats and...critters. And, not all of them are living. I’ll leave it at that.
Maybe it’s more than just mere coincidence that I’m suddenly inspired to clean my son’s room, as his floor has become more of an oversized cluttered shelf. But, good parenting is about teaching your kids to clean their own room, and although we may think they know exactly how to do this—they don’t. It’s why so many adults need professional organizers; they never learned it as a kid. They never learned that a messy room can often hold the dirty hand of a messy life. It's why shows like "Hoarders" exist.
Of course, many children simply don’t care that there’s stuff on their floor; in fact, that stuff suddenly takes on immediate importance the moment you try to throw it away. “Nooo,” your 6-year-old says. “I NEED that straw.” “Um, nooo, you don’t,” you answer. And that’s when you learn that the straw is needed because someday he plans to combine a whole bunch of them (which are all under his bed, but you don’t know that yet) and use it as a pretend sword. Stuffed animals—dusty and torn—become valued objects, even if they haven’t been touched in three years. A random party favor he received at a friend’s birthday two years ago is something he’s saving because, well, he hasn’t really figured out why yet, but don’t worry, he assures you, he will.
So, you face a dilemma: traumatize the kid by throwing out or ‘giving away’ the stuff while ignoring his protests, or keep it there and let it collect until one day you see a camera crew knocking on your door. What some parents don’t know, however, is that it can be a win-win situation, and here’s how. I call it the 'Less is More' technique.
It’s based off the premise that most children don’t see the ‘value’ in giving their stuff away. All they see is you taking away their possessions. Concepts like clutter, good hygiene, organization, order, cleanliness, etc. don’t mean a thing. Remember, a lot of kids embrace playing in the dirt—why should they care if a toy is on the floor or if they have way too much stuff they don’t use. They need to see the value in getting rid of their old toys, clothes and stuffed animals: hence, the beauty of the ‘Less is More' Technique.
Approach their room like it’s a consignment store. Your kid has the power to decide what he wants to ‘sell.’ The key concept here is that HE has the say-so; he’ll feel empowered. Here’s a dialogue to emphasize how this technique plays out.
Mom: Johnny, I see a lot of old stuff in your room…stuff you don’t use anymore.
Johnny: So.
Mom: How would you feel about receiving a new toy or stuffed animal? Heck, how would you like to pick out your desired toy at the store?
Johnny: YES!
Mom: Well, seems like your room won’t hold any more stuff.
Johnny: Huh?
Mom: And, you will need money to buy yourself a new toy, right?
Johnny: Oh. Yeah.
Mom: I have an idea about how to earn it. How about you look around your room and figure out what you can ‘sell’ back to me. Put stuff in a pile in front of me and then I’ll determine its value. You can then use that dollar value to buy one new toy.
At first, they’ll test it out. They’ll throw some random object in front of you to see what it’s worth. If that happens, give them a value like a $1. They’ll start to see how the system works. Pretty soon, they’ll start adding stuff to the pile, thereby increasing the value.
Conversation continues…
Johnny: Mom, should I give up this stuffed animal?
Mom: It’s up to you.
Johnny: Yeah, but how much will it be?
Mom: I can’t say. You’ll have to finish your pile and then I’ll give it a dollar value.
Then immediately go to the store, with the trash or Goodwill bag(s) in your trunk. Buy him the ONE toy. Let the child see the direct benefit of selling and receiving. It's about creating balance.
I’ve used this technique many times. My son used to be the one who would, dare I say it, hoard some of his toys and such. After he realized that he could add to the pile a bunch of stuff he didn’t use and see that he made $30 to buy one new cool toy, he got the point. “Mom, can we do that again?” he always asks me. “That was fun, and there’s a new thing I want to buy at the store.” One time, he gave up 42 objects for one big object, and thought it was grand.
The beauty of this creative approach is that children see firsthand the benefit of cleaning. Maybe they don’t see it the way we do, but they realize the value of it nonetheless. Best of all, they feel empowered. Change their perspective, and you’ll change their approach…with a few less crumbs on the floor.
'Hoaders' TV show
Maybe it’s more than just mere coincidence that I’m suddenly inspired to clean my son’s room, as his floor has become more of an oversized cluttered shelf. But, good parenting is about teaching your kids to clean their own room, and although we may think they know exactly how to do this—they don’t. It’s why so many adults need professional organizers; they never learned it as a kid. They never learned that a messy room can often hold the dirty hand of a messy life. It's why shows like "Hoarders" exist.
Of course, many children simply don’t care that there’s stuff on their floor; in fact, that stuff suddenly takes on immediate importance the moment you try to throw it away. “Nooo,” your 6-year-old says. “I NEED that straw.” “Um, nooo, you don’t,” you answer. And that’s when you learn that the straw is needed because someday he plans to combine a whole bunch of them (which are all under his bed, but you don’t know that yet) and use it as a pretend sword. Stuffed animals—dusty and torn—become valued objects, even if they haven’t been touched in three years. A random party favor he received at a friend’s birthday two years ago is something he’s saving because, well, he hasn’t really figured out why yet, but don’t worry, he assures you, he will.
So, you face a dilemma: traumatize the kid by throwing out or ‘giving away’ the stuff while ignoring his protests, or keep it there and let it collect until one day you see a camera crew knocking on your door. What some parents don’t know, however, is that it can be a win-win situation, and here’s how. I call it the 'Less is More' technique.
It’s based off the premise that most children don’t see the ‘value’ in giving their stuff away. All they see is you taking away their possessions. Concepts like clutter, good hygiene, organization, order, cleanliness, etc. don’t mean a thing. Remember, a lot of kids embrace playing in the dirt—why should they care if a toy is on the floor or if they have way too much stuff they don’t use. They need to see the value in getting rid of their old toys, clothes and stuffed animals: hence, the beauty of the ‘Less is More' Technique.
Approach their room like it’s a consignment store. Your kid has the power to decide what he wants to ‘sell.’ The key concept here is that HE has the say-so; he’ll feel empowered. Here’s a dialogue to emphasize how this technique plays out.
Mom: Johnny, I see a lot of old stuff in your room…stuff you don’t use anymore.
Johnny: So.
Mom: How would you feel about receiving a new toy or stuffed animal? Heck, how would you like to pick out your desired toy at the store?
Johnny: YES!
Mom: Well, seems like your room won’t hold any more stuff.
Johnny: Huh?
Mom: And, you will need money to buy yourself a new toy, right?
Johnny: Oh. Yeah.
Mom: I have an idea about how to earn it. How about you look around your room and figure out what you can ‘sell’ back to me. Put stuff in a pile in front of me and then I’ll determine its value. You can then use that dollar value to buy one new toy.
At first, they’ll test it out. They’ll throw some random object in front of you to see what it’s worth. If that happens, give them a value like a $1. They’ll start to see how the system works. Pretty soon, they’ll start adding stuff to the pile, thereby increasing the value.
Conversation continues…
Johnny: Mom, should I give up this stuffed animal?
Mom: It’s up to you.
Johnny: Yeah, but how much will it be?
Mom: I can’t say. You’ll have to finish your pile and then I’ll give it a dollar value.
Then immediately go to the store, with the trash or Goodwill bag(s) in your trunk. Buy him the ONE toy. Let the child see the direct benefit of selling and receiving. It's about creating balance.
I’ve used this technique many times. My son used to be the one who would, dare I say it, hoard some of his toys and such. After he realized that he could add to the pile a bunch of stuff he didn’t use and see that he made $30 to buy one new cool toy, he got the point. “Mom, can we do that again?” he always asks me. “That was fun, and there’s a new thing I want to buy at the store.” One time, he gave up 42 objects for one big object, and thought it was grand.
The beauty of this creative approach is that children see firsthand the benefit of cleaning. Maybe they don’t see it the way we do, but they realize the value of it nonetheless. Best of all, they feel empowered. Change their perspective, and you’ll change their approach…with a few less crumbs on the floor.
'Hoaders' TV show
Friday, February 25, 2011
Creative Discipline - 'The Baseball Approach' for Boys
At the end of the day, some moms count up all the times they’ve had to nag or remind or discipline their children. Don’t hit your brother. Stop picking your nose. Stop talking back. Don’t fart at the table. Wash your hands. Pull your pants up. Don’t disobey. Listen the first time. Say ‘hi’ to the lady and look her in the face. Don’t use the toilet lid as your own basketball hoop backboard. Don’t, don’t, don’t, stop, stop, stop. Of course, we feel like we’re ‘helping’, but is telling them something over and over and over again really helping them? Is it any wonder why our children can have selective listening and we’re stuck feeling guilty at the end of the day. Time-out only works for so long. Reprimanding our kid in public looks bad. And to do this several times a day is, in a word, exhausting.
Here’s a creative discipline approach, one that I’ve used on my own kids and has been ‘stolen’ by other moms looking for a more fun yet effective way of promoting positive behavior without feeling like a brute. I’ve named it the “3 Strikes and You’re Out” discipline. Simply put: your child misbehaves three times and he’s ‘out’ on the bench the rest of the day. Boys—and girls too—understand this concept.
Let’s use an example. Your child unabashedly mouths off to you in the grocery store. You don’t want to send him to time-out and make him crouch in the frozen food aisle. You don’t want to squeeze his cheeks together around his adorable but naughty mouth. You don’t want to yell. You don’t want to humiliate him—or yourself. And you most certainly don’t want to ignore it. Imagine if you just said, “Strike One.” These two simple yet powerful words convey your discipline message succinctly and effectively. Believe me, if you did a half-adequate job of explaining the ‘3 Strikes and You’re Out’ approach, your son or daughter will get it. Same thing with Strike Two. If you have to give Strike Three, be prepared. This means your child is ‘out’…no TV, no snacks, no staying up late, no play dates, etc. The rest of the child’s day will be, well, miserable. And your child has to believe that it WILL happen, and then you have to make it so. In baseball, the player who strikes out doesn’t get to return to the field right away.
Creative parenting, though, is built on the foundation of empowering and equipping children with life skills. Positive feedback is crucial to this process. Therefore, while there are the ‘3 strikes and you’re out’, there is also the ‘runs’ and ‘points’ they can earn. The key word here is “earn” because disciplining is about teaching them to learn from their mistakes. And just like in baseball, children can earn home runs. If they strike out but then show exemplary behavior (or are profoundly sorry), you can give them an opportunity to earn a home run—and remove one of their strikes. (Because, let's face it...discplining your child is like disciplining yourself.) The child must run around all bases, metaphorically speaking. This means four chores or four acts of kindness until he’s home free. It’s how I got my son to happily clean the stairs. ;)
There’s also ‘strike savers', in that children can earn a strike saver by going beyond the expected—in a good way. You’ll be surprised how well they can forget their homework or what you just asked him to do, but remember exactly how many strike savers they have. I’m still trying to teach my younger son not to use up a strike saver when he has only one strike. Children can use their strike savers at anytime (so pay attention to how many each child has).
In this game of life, it’s important to discipline your child in a way that tames his will without breaking his spirit. And what better way to learn about being part of a family and playing with a positive attitude then threading in some baseball? The strikes revert back to zero the next day; afterall, it'll be a whole new ball game ;-)
Here’s a creative discipline approach, one that I’ve used on my own kids and has been ‘stolen’ by other moms looking for a more fun yet effective way of promoting positive behavior without feeling like a brute. I’ve named it the “3 Strikes and You’re Out” discipline. Simply put: your child misbehaves three times and he’s ‘out’ on the bench the rest of the day. Boys—and girls too—understand this concept.
Let’s use an example. Your child unabashedly mouths off to you in the grocery store. You don’t want to send him to time-out and make him crouch in the frozen food aisle. You don’t want to squeeze his cheeks together around his adorable but naughty mouth. You don’t want to yell. You don’t want to humiliate him—or yourself. And you most certainly don’t want to ignore it. Imagine if you just said, “Strike One.” These two simple yet powerful words convey your discipline message succinctly and effectively. Believe me, if you did a half-adequate job of explaining the ‘3 Strikes and You’re Out’ approach, your son or daughter will get it. Same thing with Strike Two. If you have to give Strike Three, be prepared. This means your child is ‘out’…no TV, no snacks, no staying up late, no play dates, etc. The rest of the child’s day will be, well, miserable. And your child has to believe that it WILL happen, and then you have to make it so. In baseball, the player who strikes out doesn’t get to return to the field right away.
Creative parenting, though, is built on the foundation of empowering and equipping children with life skills. Positive feedback is crucial to this process. Therefore, while there are the ‘3 strikes and you’re out’, there is also the ‘runs’ and ‘points’ they can earn. The key word here is “earn” because disciplining is about teaching them to learn from their mistakes. And just like in baseball, children can earn home runs. If they strike out but then show exemplary behavior (or are profoundly sorry), you can give them an opportunity to earn a home run—and remove one of their strikes. (Because, let's face it...discplining your child is like disciplining yourself.) The child must run around all bases, metaphorically speaking. This means four chores or four acts of kindness until he’s home free. It’s how I got my son to happily clean the stairs. ;)
There’s also ‘strike savers', in that children can earn a strike saver by going beyond the expected—in a good way. You’ll be surprised how well they can forget their homework or what you just asked him to do, but remember exactly how many strike savers they have. I’m still trying to teach my younger son not to use up a strike saver when he has only one strike. Children can use their strike savers at anytime (so pay attention to how many each child has).
In this game of life, it’s important to discipline your child in a way that tames his will without breaking his spirit. And what better way to learn about being part of a family and playing with a positive attitude then threading in some baseball? The strikes revert back to zero the next day; afterall, it'll be a whole new ball game ;-)
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